for lack of better terms, let's call it love
by cocoagua
Summary: Beca thought she knew love... but maybe she didn't. Maybe not yet.
1. Chapter 1: break the habit

you know what they say about falling in love?

the feeling of butterflies fluttering around your stomach,

getting lost in someone's gaze,

feeling sparks?

i have never felt those things

not yet

* * *

Beca figured that it was going to blow up with Jesse sooner or later. Granted, they were together for four years. Four years which started out to be a fun ride; but ultimately dwindled down into a long dragging walk on a rocky pavement. It wasn't that they didn't work. They did, and despite the fact that Beca was never one to be cheesy in a relationship, she would even say that they were great.

After the whole drama of pushing Jesse away, Beca thought it was a logical step to give it a try. So right after winning Nationals, while her fellow Bellas celebrated on stage, she made her way to where he was standing, a wide grin spread across his face. It was very predictable, like the movies Jesse insisted on making her watch. _The guy gets the girl_ , she remembered saying once. That same line kept playing in her head as she kissed him. But at that time, she didn't really mind.

Jesse was sweet. Sometimes frustratingly so. Most days, he'd chase her after class, catching her hand as she walked across the hallway and out of the building. Again, she did not mind. It was safe to say she liked it. She never said it out loud, though. It also helped that they were part of a dorky university who considered acapella captains as jocks. So as they walked everyday with their hands intertwined, she smiled, thinking she could get used to it.

He was the first to say 'I love you'. The words were out her mouth before she could even think about it. She felt something for him, there was no doubt about it. What she wasn't sure of was if she could quantify it as _love_. It was more than like, for sure. So for lack of better terms, she decided to call it that. That decision gave her the confidence to say it freely; and once again, it didn't bother her.

That's how she knew it was not going to work out. Something changed. A lot of things changed. He still walked her to her dorm after class or Bella rehearsals. But they stopped holding hands. They still had free time together, but they stopped asking each other about their days. 'I love yous' were still exchanged; sometimes a little too freely. It rolled off their tongues easily, like how one would say their own name. _Beca._ Too forward, too direct; as if they're just words. _Jesse._ That's when she knew. That's when she realised that they built themselves a perfect facade. What she once thought as love, for lack of better words, turned into something else. It morphed itself into a habit. A routine that they followed because it had been four years. And for the first time in their relationship, she minded.

It took one phone call to break the habit. It was a few weeks after the Worlds. Jesse had already moved to LA to score movies and Beca stayed behind as Residual Heat offered her a permanent job. Sometimes they went days without speaking with each other; but when they did talk, when they did make time, it felt like they had nothing to talk about. So when Jesse quietly said 'we need to talk', she knew.

"Beca, this isn't working out…"

"I know." She responded too quickly, as if she was just waiting for it. She was, but somehow she didn't feel bad about it. Jesse's bitter laugh at the other end of the line, proved that maybe she should.

"Wow, just like that?"

"I don't know what you want me to say, Jesse" Her fingers rummaged through her bag as she searched for her apartment keys.

"Are you really not going to fight me on this? It seems to me that this isn't even remotely hard for you!"

But it was. She realised it as soon as a drop of tear made its way down her cheek. Maybe that's how it feels when you suddenly break a habit, she thought. It doesn't seem bad at first and you think it won't even be a problem. Then all of a sudden it weighs down on you. So when she heard her voice break, she knew it wasn't going to be easy. She found herself slumping down on the front steps of the apartment, her knees close to her chest, and her keys still lost in her bag.

"I just… I don't know… It just felt like we… like we both…"

"Fell out of love?" his voice was gentler, as if the realisation wasn't just for Beca, but for him as well.

"…if you could even call it that."

It was silent for a long beat, and both of them knew then, that it was over.

"Goodbye, Beca."

"Bye Jesse." And the line was dead.

The sound of the apartment door opening made Beca look behind her. Chloe looked at her with a wide grin which was immediately replaced by a confused look. As soon as Chloe saw Beca's tears, she sat down and quietly hugged the smaller girl. When Beca felt the redhead's arms around her, she sobbed.

"It's over."

What she had with Jesse might not have been love, but it still hurt Beca to lose it.

And since the older girl had silently spent four years of loving the angsty DJ in the background, she assumed that if ( _or when_ ) 'Jesseca' breaks up, she would be somewhat happy. But holding a sobbing Beca in her arms made her realize that it made her heart hurt to watch the younger girl broken.

Because Chloe knew love. And she knew that it hurts if you lose it… or not have it all.


	2. Chapter 2: it wasn't love at first sight

CHAPTER 2: it wasn't love at first sight

you know what they say about falling apart?

the feeling of the ground crumbling under you

the overwhelming sense of defeat,

darkness wrapping you in its arms?

i've been there with you

some days

Chloe never thought she would actually fall in love. As in _really_ fall in love. Growing up, she watched her parents grow deeper and deeper into love. As if every day was their first date and their giggles and stolen kisses never had pretence. Her parents' love was too pure, too perfect to even replicate. And in the shadow of utter perfection, while she had yearned to find something just as pure, she was convinced it was an occurrence that could only happen with luck…or the stars aligning themselves to make the perfect miracle. She was certain she would never find that kind of love.

So Chloe Beale decided that if there was no chance at really falling in love, she could at least enjoy whatever she had, while she had it. Because no love could ever be as pure as her parents'. There was no point waiting for it.

Then Beca Mitchell happened. The girl's distant aura interested Chloe. So she waved the young girl over to their booth during the Activities Fair, ignoring Aubrey's silent protest. _She's too alternative for us,_ Aubrey said.

To say it was love at first sight would be a complete lie. It was not like that all. She didn't hear angels singing Hallelujah, nor did she see a white glow around the alt girl. But there was something captivating about Beca. Yes, it wasn't love at first sight, but there was a certain fondness that somehow enveloped her. Right then, she knew that one day, Beca would be a big part of her life - she had fit in it somehow, somewhere. It became even more obvious when she heard _(and saw)_ the girl singing in the shower. Like she was being lured in by a mermaid _(singing her diddle jam)._

Later on, Chloe learned just how big a part of her life the snarky girl would take. Just like how she suddenly realised while she watched Beca run to Jesse that night when they won Nationals, that she had fallen in love - _really_ fallen in love. It confused her. _When did this happen?_ she thought. Then she recognised, that there was no exact time nor place. She had fallen in love gradually for many reasons, and no reason at all.

She had fallen in love with the way the younger girl tapped lightly on her toes and hummed quietly to songs. She had fallen in love with the awkwardness, the wit, and the occasional dorkiness of the younger girl. She had fallen in love with how Beca's fingers moved expertly over the guitar strings. She had fallen in love with how in the middle of the night, while they're sprawled on the floor after a long day, the other girl quietly told her her secrets. She had fallen in love with the humming sounds Beca made while she slept.

She had fallen in love with Beca and it took one kiss for her to become aware of it. Sadly, the kiss wasn't with her. And she didn't know that she wanted it to be the case until she saw Beca kissing Jesse. So she made a decision to keep facts to herself (with the exception of Aubrey who could smell angst from a mile away).

She figured it would go away. _Feelings go away, right?_ Again, she was mistaken. It just buried its way deeper into her soul and there was only so much she could do about it.

Chloe had no plans of trying to get Beca to love her. It hurt, but Beca had someone else. She was perfectly content on loving the DJ from afar. But the moment she realised she did not know how to go about her every day without being with Beca, she made a decision. She was going to fail Russian Lit. _Intentionally._ And she made that decision every year, until Beca was also a Senior.

Surprised did not describe how she felt when she saw print-out pictures of an apartment on her bed. A Post-It note was placed on the top of the pile. 'If you're not yet sick of me, this one has a spare room.' On the weekend after the Worlds, Aubrey and Jesse helped them moved.

A few weeks after that, she found Beca crying on the steps of their apartment, telling her that it was over. Oddly, after that incident, the younger girl was back to her usual snarky self.

"Are you on earth, Beale?" Beca's head was on her lap, the smaller girl's legs stretched out to the end of the couch. They had been jamming for hours and their voices had become raspy; so they decided to take a break.

Most of the time, Beca would lay on Chloe's lap and she had one very strict rule: the hair should be left untouched - no ruffling or touching of any sort. Neither noticed that while holding a book in one hand, Chloe had her fingers of her other hand lightly running through Beca's hair.

"Sorry, what?"

"One, you haven't turned a page on that book for 7 minutes and you're not a slow reader. Two, that's a Winnie the Pooh picture book, how hard can it be?"

Chloe rolled her eyes and hit the smaller girl with the storybook. "This is a classic. Anyway, get dressed, hobbit. I'm taking you out."

As Beca's playful expression changed, the older girl knew that the she'd have a hard time convincing Beca that she had the right to be at least a little miserable.

"Chloe, no." Beca stood up and started heading to her room.

"Look," Chloe called out.

"It's been 2 months since you and Jesse broke up. Apart from that one time you broke down on our porch, I haven't seen you… be sad."

"I thought we agreed on no grieve-then-move-on-and-be-merry stunts?"

"Come on, just this once. Do it for me!" Chloe found her way to the smaller girl and clung to her arm.

Beca let out a sigh. "Ugh, fine. Where are you taking me?"

Chloe just winked in response. And knowing that she would not get a decent answer from the redhead no matter how hard she tried, Beca just shook her head and made her way to her room to get dressed.

"You're lucky you're that pretty, Beale."

Once she heard Beca's bedroom door close, Chloe took the younger girl's guitar and put it on the backseat of the car. That night was Open Mic night.


	3. Chapter 3: be still, my heart

you know what they say about falling in love?

the feeling of butterflies fluttering around your stomach,

getting lost in someone's gaze,

feeling sparks?

i'm beginning to feel those things

i feel them with you

* * *

Lessons on moving on were never really Beca's thing. She had a relationship with a guy in high school, which ended rather abruptly. While it was her first experience at having a boyfriend and it stung (hurt like a bitch) when after a month ( _a month?_ ) of dodged phone calls, Beca never once thought of mourning the failed relationship. See, she was an expert in one thing: closing herself off when something bad happens. That was her generic response to all failures in life: close self off - push people away - let the pain pass - go back to normal. That had been her response she watched her parents' marriage fall apart.

Beca's exposure to love was unpleasant to say the least. That's the very reason it took her a year to open up to Jesse. And even then, she didn't feel fully - did not love as much as she'd hope. Sure, she almost got there, but the love (which wasn't exactly that) fizzled. Her experience in love had always been a side effect of how her parents ended up.

It was subtle at first. Her mother came home late one night, sniffling. She had not noticed as the young Beca watched her pack her bags and move to the vacant guest room. Her father followed, and begged her mom, in not so hushed tones, to talk to him, to let him explain. _'_ _Don_ _'_ _t let Beca see us like this._ _'_ he had said. The message was clear to her mother — _not in front of Beca_. So they pretended that she was just busy doing a lot of things for her work and needed a room to herself. Beca was certain that was a lie, but she chose to ride the tide. Putting up walls and pretending nothing was wrong became her defence mechanism. Until her parents' incessant fighting broke it down little by little. All the fights were no longer _not in front of Beca._ Rather, they happened right in front of Beca. Every single one.

There was someone else. Her father had someone else and it became too much for her mother. She was 16. Her mother left because of the pain - but her mother also left her. So she ran away. Unfortunately for her, her father cared enough to find her. And she didn't have a choice in the matter. She had nowhere to stay; so despite her resentment towards her dad's actions, she felt that she had to go back. So she did. It was much later that she found out that her resentment towards her father was not completely founded. It was a two-sided thing, her mother was there, but not really, just like a ghost hovering around aimlessly. While this did not justify her father's infidelity, it didn't wash her mother's hands clean of fault as well. That led her to believe that building up walls is the only way. Y _ou won_ _'_ _t get hurt if you don_ _'_ _t make yourself vulnerable, right?_

Somehow, Jesse chipped a little bit off of that wall. They came close, but it didn't work out. She anticipated the fall out of the relationship, hell, she was waiting for it, but it didn't make it hurt less. So she dealt with it the only way she knew how - she cried her heart out to Chloe, then built her walls back up again. The weird thing was, while it wasn't easy, she didn't feel like she had to force herself to 'move on'. And if all the movies Jesse made her watch proved anything, it was that moving on was supposed to be hard.

…

Beca did not anticipate that Chloe would be the one who would make moving on difficult. It started with inviting all the Bellas to their apartment to 'distract Beca' two weeks after she and Jesse broke up. This proved to be a futile attempt as their idea of 'distraction' was a bootleg copy of Magic Mike and somehow, Beca found it hard to appreciate that. However, Chloe's squeals to mostly naked strippers amused her. Chloe was a sensual person and it's not a bad thing. She actually found it genuinely endearing. Seeing the redhead react in half-fear, half-excitement to dancing Chippendales rip-off, though — that was a distraction.

It wasn't just that reaction though. Beca had always been aware of Chloe's tendency to literally invade personal space. It started with bursting into Beca's shower her freshman year. Then all the random touching happened - during rehearsals, when they're hanging out alone and even with the Bellas. For someone who didn't like having her personal bubble popped, Beca didn't mind how Chloe was with her. Truthfully she didn't think much of it. Until after Freshman year, when she surprised herself when she first initiated contact. They were walking to Bellas rehearsal, then suddenly she was holding Chloe's hand. Then handholding became hugging and Beca was not a hugger. But with Chloe, she didn't know why she made an exception.

So while watching male strippers grinding their groins at women's faces, she also watched Chloe. Then she thought the older girl seemed so pure. And then she thought, _Chloe looks really pretty and I want to hug her_. That confused her so much. Here were her girls, surrounding her with movies and chips to get her to 'move on'; and somehow she felt that there was no need for it. There was no need for it because whatever pain she was feeling wasn't because she lost her romantic relationship with Jesse. It was because she lost Jesse as a friend and to her that was much worse. And she was getting the feeling that nobody noticed this, not even Chloe.

The second time Chloe took her out to distract her, it was just the two of them. Her phone rang at 4PM, with Chloe's grinning face flashing on her screen. She took it during Magic Mike night and made it Chloe's contact picture.

"Yo?"

"What are you doing after work?" Chloe's singsong voice rang against her ear.

"Whatever it is you have planned, I guess." She didn't know why she said that. She was planning on working on the arrangement of Emily's new song but that, she believed, can wait.

"What makes you think I have something planned?"

Beca only sniggered in response.

"Fine. Can you come to Barden? I want to show you something."

"Haven't I already seen everything?" She didn't know why she said that either.

"Ha. Ha. Funny. Just come over! Byeee!"

…

She met Chloe right outside the auditorium where they used to practice as Bellas. Chloe chose to become a music professor. She experienced a bit of separation anxiety right after graduation and decided that she would teach music in Barden instead.

Upon seeing her, Chloe gave her a big hug then linked their arms and started walking. She noted that Beca had a 7-eleven paper bag in her hand.

"Where are you taking me?" Beca inquired.

"'Hi Chloe, how was your day?' Oh it's great, Becs, thank you for asking." Chloe responded playfully; gently nudging Beca as she led their walk.

"Keep that up and you won't get your Mudshake."

"You got me Mudshake?"

"Uh huh. Caramel." Beca didn't recognise where they were going. Four years in Barden and there were still places that she had not been to.

"GIMME!" She shook her head and handed the paper bag to Chloe. It was then that she realised that they had stopped moving.

Beca didn't know there was a place like this in Barden. They were near the edge of something she would describe as a hill. It was overlooking a big area of houses and smaller buildings. And as her eyes scanned the scene, she was shocked.

"Is that…" Beca's jaw had slightly dropped in awe. She never knew about this place — or that Chloe knew about this place at all.

"That's Barden… see the Bella house over there?" Chloe pointed to a house at the far right as she sat down.

"Oh wow. You have to be kidding me. This has been here the whole time?"

"No Becs, a hill magically grew overnight! Of course this has always been here. You like it?"

"It's amazing." She sat down beside Chloe, reaching out for the second bottle of Mudshake.

The sun started to set and they sat there in silence, enjoying their drinks. Chloe was leaning on Beca's side, and the younger girl didn't mind. It felt comfortable and safe; and she liked it. Like how it first was with Jesse, only more natural.

She realised then that she never really told anyone about the circumstances of the breakup. Not even Chloe. And after that single episode of sobbing, she never said a single word about it.

"It started to feel like a routine." As Chloe looked at her, she knew the older girl understood what she was talking about. Chloe didn't prod her to say anything more, which strangely made her want to tell the redhead everything. So she did. She told her how at first, everything felt exciting and nice, then it gradually felt like something they stuck to because they're used to it. Beca told her about how one day she realised it would have to end sooner or later, because it felt too much of a habit.

"And I know I'm barely an expert in love, but I don't think it should feel like that at all." With that, she felt Chloe take her hand. When she turned she saw Chloe giving her a small smile. It was like she was saying ' _it_ _'_ _s going to be fine_ '. That was the problem though. Sure, there was some pain. But everything already felt fine and that made everything confusing.

What was even more confusing was the stirring in her stomach, the pounding in her chest and the feeling of pins in her hand as Chloe held it. Beca felt that if there was a good _(yet confusing)_ thing that came out of the breakup, it was this: Chloe came into crisp and clear focus. She shouldn't feel these things towards Chloe, she knew that. Not three weeks after a four-year relationship ended. It was too soon. Then again, she didn't know what else to do.

"Chlo?" She whispered.

"Hmm?"

"Promise me you won't take me out on any more grieve-then-move-on-and-be-merry adventures?"

"I'll try." Chloe faced her and looked at her intently. She had noticed before how blue Chloe's eyes were. But this time, she felt like Chloe's eyes were the ocean, and she was drowning in them. She closed her eyes as she felt Chloe lean in and kiss her forehead.

 _Chloe should also not do that anymore_ , she thought.

…

Beca did not know what Chloe aimed to achieve with taking her out this time. She thought they'd agreed not to do that anymore. Well, Chloe did say she would _try_. Besides, the older girl wouldn't have taken no for an answer. Beca knew this and thought it best not to try to change her mind.

As she made her way to the car, she noticed that Chloe had changed the picture in the living room into one of Beca watching the sunset one time on the hill. She didn't know how the other girl did that, but it made her smile. Then it suddenly registered, that ever since that night on the hill, being with Chloe, or even just thinking of Chloe, made her feel the stirring and the pounding all over again.

 _I need to do something about this,_ she thought to herself. Seeing Chloe standing against the car, playing on her phone, she thought, _maybe later._

"Ready?" Chloe said as she approached the car.

"Not really but 'k." Yes, Beca knew she needed to do something. But what?


End file.
